Monday, March 9, 2015

Hello there. This is a quick shoutout to say I'm still alive, and well have not entirely abandoned this blog completely.

It's been nearly 3 months since I landed in Australia. I knew the settling in would take at least a few months - quarter of a year later I'm still thinking I need more time. I would have compiled a list of how different things are here (esp working as a doctor) compared to the UK, but that's a post for later, hopefully.

Right now I'm just trucking along, going through the motions and having a few short term plans in my head but not exactly mapped out my entire life yet. It can be disheartening sometimes watching peers make progress with their careers, getting engaged etc, when I'm still asking interns to teach me how to write scripts and spending my nights self learning Japanese alone. Sometimes I feel just pressured to have everything sorted out in my 20s - but somehow I know deep down as well, that's it's ok if I don't.

And that sits well with my soul.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

It hits harder when its personal.

So about all this crashed plane business. That's the third in a year, and all linked to Malaysia somehow. What strikes harder this time is we personally know the family of the only Malaysian passenger on that plane. The kids went to the same school.

The oldest girl is a year older than me. She played flute in band, studied medicine in New Zealand, and is into salsa dancing. She is really pretty and has dimples when she smiles.

The middle girl is a year younger than me. I don't know her well but we have many mutual friends.

The youngest son is my younger bro's good buddy. They hang out a lot, and recently went on a brotrip to Penang with a few others.

They are a decent, honest, God-fearing family.

They will never see their father again. In the blink of an eye - fatherless, widowed.

No warning, no finality in their goodbyes. It is so cruel.

My parents holidayed in Jakarta just a week ago. They flew Jakarta-Singapore barely a week before it happened.

It could have been me.

We celebrated my dad's 56th birthday tonight. A family will never see theirs again.

It could have been me.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Dirty Wicker

A summary of the good and the bad of the last 4 months' ulu working...

The (Y)

- computers only blocked Facebook and proper dodge sites! It actually allowed Youtube, blogs, and stream sites, so um RandomC is probably floating around in a computer's history somewhere...

-it's a small hospital hence everything is a minute or two away- labs may be a bit off the beaten track, but at least I didn't have to climb 4 flights of stairs to use an ABG machine because the (only) ABG machine was right outside the ward.

-ok rent was decent. 200pounds a month and bills were like 5-20pounds a month? We had portable electric heaters in the bedrooms so things were nice and toasty at night. And even the later months when I left the heating overnight, the bill never went over 20. The house wasn't a complete shithole either.

-everything was in walking distance. House to hospital was 10mins tops, and the train station was literally behind the hospital. We had a relatively big Lidl next to the staff accommodation where I stayed, so that was a major plus.

The (N)

-rotas being made by office goons who work 1-3pm on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and 9-11am on Fridays (ie have no fucking clue and have no qualms about giving you two back to back 12-day-straight shifts) but this problem is endemic in the NHS.

-mix an elderly crumblie population, unfilial children, scant social services, the odd lazy GP - recipe for the perfect heartsink day of bed crises filled with bearded old ladies who can't stand/can't eat/was wandering etc

This needs a flipping colossal titan gif

-office-hour labs and xrays that have an oncall system, meaning when you need bloods at 2pm, the decision on whether to call in labs is whether nice smiley lab guy is on call, or that grumpy  old lab guy who lives 20 minutes away is on call. You do start asking if you REALLY need that midnight CRP or CXR, but unfortunately sometimes the answer is yes.

-weekends. Officially the worst types of shifts ever, because there are two doctors for the whole hospital, one on medical one on surgical. You do the ward round, jobs, A&E, and whenever the rehab ward starts feeling needy and starts calling you. Weekends were the worst. Worse than nights. You can apparently expect one person to manage a ward of 40 patients and see all 10 medical A&E attenders, it seems.

-bizarre use of resources. We have no ECHO, fine. Funny tests and cultures get sent to Glasgow, find. We've got a CT scanner, hooray! But, because ultrasound come in like, once a week, it is apparently better to CT carotid everyone with a TIA because lulz we can. We must have irradiated the necks of half of Caithness. Any thyroid enthusiast want to visit the place in 30 years?

-no Natwest. In fact Natwest is pretty shit in Scotland. There's only one branch in Aberdeen and none north of it, including Inverness. I had a few cheques to bank in and it was a major pain.

-the latitude. In August it seemed like it would never get dark, and the week before I left there was frost on the grass and the sun set by 3.30pm. I don't think I could ever get used to extreme latitudes. I grew up on the equator where there was one warm season all year and sunset at 7.30pm on the dot every day, and that's how I like it.

-there is pretty much nothing to do. There's like Weatherspoons, which we went to at least 10 times in 4 months. The nearest cinema was in Thurso. No shopping malls or anything. At least internet was stable, so I was actually a little productive for a change. The dead-ness of the town didn't bother me too much, but for the city slickers it was a death sentence.

There's supposed to be things to do and see, like an Orkney weekend, the Walligoe steps, Pulteney whiskey distillery, but I actually did nothing. In fact I never went further than Tesco, and this fact doesn't bother me at all. I do no regret not visiting Orkney or going for a whiskey tour (frankly because I don't care for it). that la. I survived. That is all.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Kagerou Project

Sasuga Japan. Where else would you get a music CD series that got turned into a light novel, then a manga, then an anime? (Ok so it's a bit like someone taking individual ABBA songs and sewing it up to make a story ie Mamma Mia, except this would be more my kinda thing)

Kagerou Project is just that, leading to the recent Mekakucity Actors anime based on the manga based on the LN based on the drama CDs (and a bunch of Nico fanvids/covers/graphics - geez it's like everyone in Japan can draw/sing/produce music). The anime itself was ok, kept me interested till the end even though it was the standard 'wtf did I just watch' anime ending. Also omg dat Shaft head tilt. XD

I think I'm finally getting the hang of this Vocaloid obsession. I still don't relish the squeaky artificial pitching, but man the Nico covers are pretty damn fine. The original music (lol 'source material') is pretty awesome, I'm loving Jin's pumping basslines the most.

Kagerou Daze is hands down the best song/story of the lot. (and the Nico chorus cover is better too)

Oh man the feeeeellllsssss.


Wednesday, November 5, 2014

How do I asian? latest obsession is chinese hiphop dance groups cosplaying anime....

So I literally can't stop watching's like there's something sofuckinghot about a Recon guys dance choreo....(hot damn Levi)
still best shingeki

Also, combination of tumblr+imageboards are veryyy bad for feels. I'm gonna need to stock up on 気持ち いい feels cuz work is about to get real shit, real fast.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

好き な 少年 で ある

Took a run for the first time in a long time. Had to be persuaded by friends because I really don't enjoy breathing in icy air and running in wind that hurts my ears. Glad I did, because the ocean was quite pretty. Some endorphins don't hurt either.

At this point, one can only cross their fingers and pray. At the very least, I've started actually working on things I've wanted to do for a long time, ie start drawing properly, learning Japanese, regular exercise, some medical related revision just to keep my knowledge up. I actually want to pick up bass properly. At some point.
これ は マイ ハズバンド, 触れない!!

この 心 は 希望 を 探して

Friday, October 31, 2014

Doors that close and open

I made a big decision. 

There's no turning back now.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

悲しくて, 寂しくて

I unintentionally became the third wheel tonight. The friend I was visiting was meeting another 'friend', who turns out to be a guy she's seeing. I had no idea she was seeing someone, but as the night wore on their affection for each other became more apparent. It was really sweet.

I felt happy for them. But for the first time since I became single I felt a strange emptiness. I know exactly what it is. I also know exactly how a glimpse of others' relationships hardly represent the true picture of the iceberg underneath. けど, 悲しみ の 感じが 消えない

My peers are moving on with life. Making career decisions, taking active steps towards those dreams, buying cars and houses, getting into serious relationships. I feel like the only thing I've got to show for my 25 years are the Great Australian Dream which has become the Great Australian Detour, for which I've put my life on hold.

There probably is someone out there who'll fit my puzzle. ね?

Sunday, October 12, 2014


I cried when she said my name
Maybe this was what I needed. To know I wasn't completely heartless and unfeeling.

Friday, October 10, 2014


Everyday is a battle. Everyday is a struggle.

Everyday I remind myself why I do this. Everyday I have to remind myself to treat people with compassion, to have empathy for patients.

Everyday I fail.

Everyday I feel frustration, resentment, Everyday beds get blocked by medically as fit as they can be grannies waiting for arrangements to be made for someone to help them three times a day. Everyday daughters and sons refuse to take their elderly parents home because they 'can't cope'.

Everyday I get calls from GPs trying to push the vulnerable, old, and frail come to the ward I work in as a very last resort. Everyday I become the messenger who gets shot. Everyday I tell myself the things I can't control are not my fault.

Everyday I lose faith. Everyday I lose patience. Everyday I lose compassion.

Everyday I feel little joy in my work and even less sorrow for my patients.

Everyday my heart hardens and my walls rise higher.

Monday, October 6, 2014


私も早くオーストラリアに来たい。私 も。

(ちょっと 紹介 します! これ は カラ先生 です。カラ先生 は ブリスベンのサーニーバンク に 住んでいます! でも ペースより ブリスベン が 好き です ね ^^ )

Sunday, October 5, 2014

私 わ ワィブ だ よ!

今日 の 天気 が すごく 悪い です。風 が 強い,雨 が 落ちる, 空 が くらい。けど, 考える - 家 を あります, 電気 が あります, 温水 も あります - とても 幸せ, 私。 (でも イギリス の 天気 が 本当 に 嫌い です よ!

苦しみ な ショタ が 好き です ね。。(きゃあああ~  8D)

Friday, October 3, 2014


12 days straight, weekend off, then another 12 days straight. At least I finish at 5 most days, so it's tolerable. The weekends though, dread. Last weekend was so bad I had felt like I needed to physically propel myself forward when walking at the end of the day, because I was that tired.

We had a locum consultant covering the locum consultant who's off because he's done oncall like 2 weeks straight, because the other locum consultant is leaving soon and using up his annual leave. New locum is a regular at Oban and the place sounds like heaven, in the sense that it's not a complete managerial cockup of a hospital. CGH seems to have more useless managers than clinicians, which is completely baffling. They can't afford more doctors...but have weird managers for everything. 

The problem is Wick itself, really. Oban, Stornaway, Shetland, Elgin don't have the same challenge getting consultants to stay, because they aren't complete shitholes to live in. 

Some days at work are kinda like this:

Also, fucking this. 

Then you remember that no matter how bad any hospital in the UK seems, it probably isn't as bad as what goes on in Malaysia. So Faye, man the fuck up, and stop complaining.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

>>mfw ZnT

Why you shouldn't care about fictional characters
So it's like...this is an Everyone is Kill animu season.

I had a shit day yesterday, so I'm going to bed.