Saturday, October 25, 2014

悲しくて, 寂しくて

I unintentionally became the third wheel tonight. The friend I was visiting was meeting another 'friend', who turns out to be a guy she's seeing. I had no idea she was seeing someone, but as the night wore on their affection for each other became more apparent. It was really sweet.

I felt happy for them. But for the first time since I became single I felt a strange emptiness. I know exactly what it is. I also know exactly how a glimpse of others' relationships hardly represent the true picture of the iceberg underneath. けど, 悲しみ の 感じが 消えない

My peers are moving on with life. Making career decisions, taking active steps towards those dreams, buying cars and houses, getting into serious relationships. I feel like the only thing I've got to show for my 25 years are the Great Australian Dream which has become the Great Australian Detour, for which I've put my life on hold.

There probably is someone out there who'll fit my puzzle. ね?

Sunday, October 12, 2014


I cried when she said my name
Maybe this was what I needed. To know I wasn't completely heartless and unfeeling.

Friday, October 10, 2014


Everyday is a battle. Everyday is a struggle.

Everyday I remind myself why I do this. Everyday I have to remind myself to treat people with compassion, to have empathy for patients.

Everyday I fail.

Everyday I feel frustration, resentment, Everyday beds get blocked by medically as fit as they can be grannies waiting for arrangements to be made for someone to help them three times a day. Everyday daughters and sons refuse to take their elderly parents home because they 'can't cope'.

Everyday I get calls from GPs trying to push the vulnerable, old, and frail come to the ward I work in as a very last resort. Everyday I become the messenger who gets shot. Everyday I tell myself the things I can't control are not my fault.

Everyday I lose faith. Everyday I lose patience. Everyday I lose compassion.

Everyday I feel little joy in my work and even less sorrow for my patients.

Everyday my heart hardens and my walls rise higher.

Monday, October 6, 2014


私も早くオーストラリアに来たい。私 も。

(ちょっと 紹介 します! これ は カラ先生 です。カラ先生 は ブリスベンのサーニーバンク に 住んでいます! でも ペースより ブリスベン が 好き です ね ^^ )

Sunday, October 5, 2014

私 わ ワィブ だ よ!

今日 の 天気 が すごく 悪い です。風 が 強い,雨 が 落ちる, 空 が くらい。けど, 考える - 家 を あります, 電気 が あります, 温水 も あります - とても 幸せ, 私。 (でも イギリス の 天気 が 本当 に 嫌い です よ!

苦しみ な ショタ が 好き です ね。。(きゃあああ~  8D)

Friday, October 3, 2014


12 days straight, weekend off, then another 12 days straight. At least I finish at 5 most days, so it's tolerable. The weekends though, dread. Last weekend was so bad I had felt like I needed to physically propel myself forward when walking at the end of the day, because I was that tired.

We had a locum consultant covering the locum consultant who's off because he's done oncall like 2 weeks straight, because the other locum consultant is leaving soon and using up his annual leave. New locum is a regular at Oban and the place sounds like heaven, in the sense that it's not a complete managerial cockup of a hospital. CGH seems to have more useless managers than clinicians, which is completely baffling. They can't afford more doctors...but have weird managers for everything. 

The problem is Wick itself, really. Oban, Stornaway, Shetland, Elgin don't have the same challenge getting consultants to stay, because they aren't complete shitholes to live in. 

I had a rather unpleasant conversation with a GP today who tried to push a social admission - we get lots of 80-90 year olds referred by GPs on Friday afternoons not being able to dress themselves or are 'not themselves' which are code for 'the family/carer can't cope and are giving me grief, please take over kthxbai'. So as usual I try to explain we are not a granny daycare, we are an acute medical ward, but the GP was having none of it.

Long story short, the exchange ended with a large unspoken

I seethed for a good half hour.

Also, fucking this. 
 There are just so many things wrong with this place I don't even know where to start to rant.

Then you remember that no matter how bad any hospital in the UK seems, it probably isn't as bad as what goes on in Malaysia. So Faye, man the fuck up, and stop complaining.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

>>mfw ZnT

Why you shouldn't care about fictional characters
So it's like...this is an Everyone is Kill animu season.

I had a shit day yesterday, so I'm going to bed.

Friday, September 26, 2014

But....Sora... you look funny!

In that hairclip I gave you, obv

You never lose sight of your childhood.

Thursday, September 25, 2014


How it should have ended.


今日 わ 休み です

Back to what I used to like.

Weekend work coming up, dread.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

What would Urobutcher do?

Why is /a/ and it's shitposting such a guilty pleasure?

I giggled for two minutes straight. 

Zankyou no Terror is my last hope. Please don't fuck up. Or I could start on Free!! S2.
Also, fuck whoever wrote this ending. 

I am also way to emotionally invested in a stupid cartoon that wasn't even that great. Why do I succumb to feels so easily? 

PS Some feels to go with your feels

Thursday, September 18, 2014

All you need is.....broadband

When something's good, you just want to share it.

I'd discovered supercell/EGOIST/yanagi nagi etc - just some anime music really (that kinda got me started on Guilty Crown but let's not debate here) - I've been playing their mixes on repeat all day. It just feels great. It's like...what with work, life, stress, applications, paperwork - I just open up a new tab, play some songs, doodle a bit, maybe work on some kanji, do some yoga, make banana souffle.

Here, in the middle of nowhere, in the dreaded Wick, I'm as happy as I could ever be.


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Silent night

Nights are oft dreaded because there's a lot of support going round. From 3 regs and a support nurse you're down to one reg covering 5 other wards and specialties and no one to kuli your bloods and cannula. If one patient goes off you'll be kept busy most of the night. If a few patients go off you will forever remember the soul destroying, hellish night in misty-eyed anecdotes to wide-eyed medical students hanging on your every word. If you're a receiving unit the night can vary greatly from no admissions to I-can't-cope-arghhh. A lot of things happen at night. Patients waiting to die will die at night. Patients who are waiting to arrest will arrest at night.

Rule number one. Murphy's Law is king during nights.

Rule number two. Always assume there will be no one to help with ECGs and bloods and ABGs unless you have an F1 to spare. Never assume a nurse will be 'signed off' for taking bloods and never presume they will be willing to do your ECGs. You will minimize your frustrations. When the nurse huffs over saying the patient is Sewsing 8 and then goes back to her cup of tea in the staff room it is obviously your problem now that she's cleared her ass. Just grit your teeth and get on with it.

But people often remember the bad nights and never the cushy ones where you actually get to sleep and get paid to do nothing. These types of nights may be more common for people than some and it really depends on where you're at and luck. As a fifth year medical student on medical assistantship in Mansfield I did a night shift on a surgical receiving ward with an SHO. Things got to a lull at around 4-5am and we both got to nap for about half an hour before getting called again. After the shift he looked at me and said 'this never happens'. Turns out the next night the same thing happened and he said the same thing to the next soon-to-be F1 tagging along.

One of the bright sides of nights is no tortourous ward rounds (unless the surgeon expects you to go on the post nights wr), no shitty half assed referrals to uninterested people and no dementia screens or MMSEs to do, no tedious paperwork, no one hounding you for discharge letters, no family wanting an update. If you need a scan or referral chances are the patient's really unwell and it's a legit so the referee can't say no. Just sickies and admissions. With some luck everyone behaves and you get lulls during 3-5am so there's plenty of time for a cuppa and forty winks. Then it's handover and that's it.

But. You must never presume this is how your night will go. Always expect the worst (see rule no 1), mentally brace yourself, and it will be fine. No matter how bad things go, if it matches your expectations, it's not the Worst Night Ever.

Life is all about managing expectations really. But what I like about nights it how it's a lot more proper medicine, like what it was meant to be. Very little of that admin and logistics bullshit I put up with during the day. (Until the next horrible night shift rolls in and I'll be eating my words....)

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Gifs are amazing

So much emotion expressed in two seconds!