Sunday, October 12, 2014


I cried when she said my name
Maybe this was what I needed. To know I wasn't completely heartless and unfeeling.

Friday, October 10, 2014


Everyday is a battle. Everyday is a struggle.

Everyday I remind myself why I do this. Everyday I have to remind myself to treat people with compassion, to have empathy for patients.

Everyday I fail.

Everyday I feel frustration, resentment, Everyday beds get blocked by medically as fit as they can be grannies waiting for arrangements to be made for someone to help them three times a day. Everyday daughters and sons refuse to take their elderly parents home because they 'can't cope'.

Everyday I get calls from GPs trying to push the vulnerable, old, and frail come to the ward I work in as a very last resort. Everyday I become the messenger who gets shot. Everyday I tell myself the things I can't control are not my fault.

Everyday I lose faith. Everyday I lose patience. Everyday I lose compassion.

Everyday I feel little joy in my work and even less sorrow for my patients.

Everyday my heart hardens and my walls rise higher.

Monday, October 6, 2014


私も早くオーストラリアに来たい。私 も。

(ちょっと 紹介 します! これ は カラ先生 です。カラ先生 は ブリスベンのサーニーバンク に 住んでいます! でも ペースより ブリスベン が 好き です ね ^^ )

Sunday, October 5, 2014

私 わ ワィブ だ よ!

今日 の 天気 が すごく 悪い です。風 が 強い,雨 が 落ちる, 空 が くらい。けど, 考える - 家 を あります, 電気 が あります, 温水 も あります - とても 幸せ, 私。 (でも イギリス の 天気 が 本当 に 嫌い です よ!

苦しみ な ショタ が 好き です ね。。(きゃあああ~  8D)

Friday, October 3, 2014


12 days straight, weekend off, then another 12 days straight. At least I finish at 5 most days, so it's tolerable. The weekends though, dread. Last weekend was so bad I had felt like I needed to physically propel myself forward when walking at the end of the day, because I was that tired.

We had a locum consultant covering the locum consultant who's off because he's done oncall like 2 weeks straight, because the other locum consultant is leaving soon and using up his annual leave. New locum is a regular at Oban and the place sounds like heaven, in the sense that it's not a complete managerial cockup of a hospital. CGH seems to have more useless managers than clinicians, which is completely baffling. They can't afford more doctors...but have weird managers for everything. 

The problem is Wick itself, really. Oban, Stornaway, Shetland, Elgin don't have the same challenge getting consultants to stay, because they aren't complete shitholes to live in. 

I had a rather unpleasant conversation with a GP today who tried to push a social admission - we get lots of 80-90 year olds referred by GPs on Friday afternoons not being able to dress themselves or are 'not themselves' which are code for 'the family/carer can't cope and are giving me grief, please take over kthxbai'. So as usual I try to explain we are not a granny daycare, we are an acute medical ward, but the GP was having none of it.

Long story short, the exchange ended with a large unspoken

I seethed for a good half hour.

Also, fucking this. 
 There are just so many things wrong with this place I don't even know where to start to rant.

Then you remember that no matter how bad any hospital in the UK seems, it probably isn't as bad as what goes on in Malaysia. So Faye, man the fuck up, and stop complaining.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

>>mfw ZnT

Why you shouldn't care about fictional characters
So it's like...this is an Everyone is Kill animu season.

I had a shit day yesterday, so I'm going to bed.

Friday, September 26, 2014

But....Sora... you look funny!

In that hairclip I gave you, obv

You never lose sight of your childhood.

Thursday, September 25, 2014


How it should have ended.


今日 わ 休み です

Back to what I used to like.

Weekend work coming up, dread.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

What would Urobutcher do?

Why is /a/ and it's shitposting such a guilty pleasure?

I giggled for two minutes straight. 

Zankyou no Terror is my last hope. Please don't fuck up. Or I could start on Free!! S2.
Also, fuck whoever wrote this ending. 

I am also way to emotionally invested in a stupid cartoon that wasn't even that great. Why do I succumb to feels so easily? 

PS Some feels to go with your feels

Thursday, September 18, 2014

All you need is.....broadband

When something's good, you just want to share it.

I'd discovered supercell/EGOIST/yanagi nagi etc - just some anime music really (that kinda got me started on Guilty Crown but let's not debate here) - I've been playing their mixes on repeat all day. It just feels great. It's like...what with work, life, stress, applications, paperwork - I just open up a new tab, play some songs, doodle a bit, maybe work on some kanji, do some yoga, make banana souffle.

Here, in the middle of nowhere, in the dreaded Wick, I'm as happy as I could ever be.


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Silent night

Nights are oft dreaded because there's a lot of support going round. From 3 regs and a support nurse you're down to one reg covering 5 other wards and specialties and no one to kuli your bloods and cannula. If one patient goes off you'll be kept busy most of the night. If a few patients go off you will forever remember the soul destroying, hellish night in misty-eyed anecdotes to wide-eyed medical students hanging on your every word. If you're a receiving unit the night can vary greatly from no admissions to I-can't-cope-arghhh. A lot of things happen at night. Patients waiting to die will die at night. Patients who are waiting to arrest will arrest at night.

Rule number one. Murphy's Law is king during nights.

Rule number two. Always assume there will be no one to help with ECGs and bloods and ABGs unless you have an F1 to spare. Never assume a nurse will be 'signed off' for taking bloods and never presume they will be willing to do your ECGs. You will minimize your frustrations. When the nurse huffs over saying the patient is Sewsing 8 and then goes back to her cup of tea in the staff room it is obviously your problem now that she's cleared her ass. Just grit your teeth and get on with it.

But people often remember the bad nights and never the cushy ones where you actually get to sleep and get paid to do nothing. These types of nights may be more common for people than some and it really depends on where you're at and luck. As a fifth year medical student on medical assistantship in Mansfield I did a night shift on a surgical receiving ward with an SHO. Things got to a lull at around 4-5am and we both got to nap for about half an hour before getting called again. After the shift he looked at me and said 'this never happens'. Turns out the next night the same thing happened and he said the same thing to the next soon-to-be F1 tagging along.

One of the bright sides of nights is no tortourous ward rounds (unless the surgeon expects you to go on the post nights wr), no shitty half assed referrals to uninterested people and no dementia screens or MMSEs to do, no tedious paperwork, no one hounding you for discharge letters, no family wanting an update. If you need a scan or referral chances are the patient's really unwell and it's a legit so the referee can't say no. Just sickies and admissions. With some luck everyone behaves and you get lulls during 3-5am so there's plenty of time for a cuppa and forty winks. Then it's handover and that's it.

But. You must never presume this is how your night will go. Always expect the worst (see rule no 1), mentally brace yourself, and it will be fine. No matter how bad things go, if it matches your expectations, it's not the Worst Night Ever.

Life is all about managing expectations really. But what I like about nights it how it's a lot more proper medicine, like what it was meant to be. Very little of that admin and logistics bullshit I put up with during the day. (Until the next horrible night shift rolls in and I'll be eating my words....)

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Gifs are amazing

So much emotion expressed in two seconds!

Friday, September 5, 2014

How I nearly spent the night of my 25th birthday in a tent

Ok I'll not explain it as it's a tedious explaination. Basically the gist is saving wrong contacts in phone. That is all.

Most signs are bilingual - Gaelic is still relatively wide spoken here.

So not a tent, but I spent my birthday in this little place called Stornoway on the Isle of Lewis in the Western Isles of Scotland doing a course. I'm glad to say I passed ALS, as did everyone else. I can now perform perfect CPR in a perfectly controlled environment where there is always clear cut clues and *gasp* there is ROSC in 99% of PEAs! 

If only.

When I first found out I was allocated ulu town for ALS I was a bit miffed, but resigned (as I am with most things these days. Suan le ba.) But coming down to Stornoway was pretty nice in the end - it's a quaint little town plus I get to see a bit more of the nicer side of ulu Scotland. 

I quite envy the Stornoway juniors. It's still nearly as understaffed as Wick, but they don't do nights as it's all GP and nurse led. The oncall system is better and each junior and consultant make up a team and there is actually continuity of care. They also have better community support systems and hence less bullshit GP referrals on the run up of the weekend (84 year old aunt Mabel suddenly can't walk and therefore HAS to be admitted into an acute medical bed. Oh and the carer's off for the next 2 weeks.) 

There are very few things I hate more than social admissions. 

And it's just chilled out, even when on call. None of that flailing around like a headless chicken with admissions, 5 hour ward rounds, jobs, and unsympathetic nurses barking at you for discharge letters on top of it. 

Maybe the grass is just greener on the other side. A colleague of mine in doing trauma and ortho in Elgin currently has her own store of horror stories of just struggling - being oncall for both T&O and Gen Surg, plus ward stuff, and scrubbing in. She's on the same middle grade rota as the senior reg. The rota is grossly understaffed and that's the root of it all. 

Anyway, rant done. Pic dump now (wow I haven't blogged this much since 2008)

It's rather isolated from the mainland and has a passenger and vehicle ferry going quite regularly. Nice port though.

At least the city centre is more than a street!

I swear it was a bright sunny day. UK weather has this ghastly ability to look grey and cloudy in photos even when it's sunny irl.

Had indian on the first night with peers. Also why I will never be able to mix with angmos on anything more than a superficial level. So the deanery are paying for expenses, transport costs etc. Part of the expenses are 20pounds a day for 'sustenance'. So when paying the 16pounds for my lamb tandoori (should've gone for chicken - lamb is always tough when not slow cooked), I state I'm getting a receipt for it to claim expenses. No big deal right? Any Malaysian would've nodded in agreement, thanked me for reminding them, and then asked for an individual receipt as well. 

So my pals basically laughed. At me. What's the word for it? 嘲笑. Could not fathom why I would do it. Wouldn't they want to claim expenses for the meal too? Scoff. No why would I. It's just 15pounds man. Loose pocket change. 

*shrug* To each his own, man. 

 Had lunch with the ALS group after we'd passed the course. Actually there was lunch provided but we went anyway. So I had second lunch, like a hobbit. Even though I was quite full from the lentil soup and sandwiches and sausage rolls.

Layan only lah.

 Food was ok. Nothing to shout about.

 Did some sightseeing as well, since I had a half day to do anything. Would've been a shame if I had this time and didn't go somewhere. Took a bus to Tolsta beach, about 30mins away.

 The route was actually very scenic. Slightly ruined by some very obnoxious teenager sitting behind me talking to his friends loudly and openly about drugs and sex. He looked 14. If I were his mother I would rotan his 屁股 kaokao like, 7 years ago. His mum was probably reading Closer with Jeremy Kyle in the background whilst eating Iceland cheesecakes then.

 Bus dropped me a 10 min walk away from the sandy shore. Coastlines are so rarely sandy that beaches are a big thing in the UK.

 Ooh sheeepppp close range!!

 Have to be careful not to tread well-camouflaged sheep poop on the way.

 Windy as heck as usual.

 Bye bye Mr Sheep~ see you on my plate one day.

 Wonder what it's like living so rural. Better hope you're healthy - sickes have to be airlifted to Glasgow and there's only 4 units of O neg in the whole hospital or something. Best not to pop that aneurysm eh?

 Went into this 'gallery' - a house hosting some nice oil paintings by this artist who divided time between middle-of-nowhere Scotland, France, and Perth WA. Everyone wants to go to WA.

So that was my 25th birthday. No cake, no candles, 6 birthday wishes (2 from parents). In fact on the day itself I was just revising for the written ALS exam, and had cabbage soup for dinner. Just another day.

I did speak to a couple of people - an old friend, and one of the ALS facilitators - in which I revealed more about my aspirations than I normally would, and just received some kind words which were so encouraging. Sometimes I feel so alone in it all, but there's actually people out there who care.

If I achieve what I want to achieve before I turn 26, that will be the only and best present I want. 

Happy birthday me.