Thursday, August 6, 2015

Speaking of camels

Just a few things I learnt in Gympie: 

Newborns can and will pee and poop on you as you are checking their groins
Bogans will be bogans and there's nothing you can do
GP anaesthetists are totally rad
There are camels native to Australia

So in Gympie one lives the country life. And you can be a hospital boss and live on a self sufficient 200 hectare land and care for camels and horses.





They were shy. All running away from me

The let-down for milk is like 90 seconds so yield is much lower to that of cows. You'll get 2 litres between 5 or 6 camels if you're lucky. 


Contraptions

Basically why hipsters in Melbourne will pay $50/Litre for the stuff (yes that's market price)
Camels headin home

Also, freakin horses.



 I was the horse mad kid. I also grew up reading Enid Blyton stories detailing life on farms/the country/the circus. Naturally this was the stuff of my dreams.


The first and only time I rode a horse was during a family holiday in New Zealand. I was 11.

Not pictured: the chicken coop, industrial size water tanks, wild kangaroos hopping in the 'garden'.


Don't get any more country than a real log fire. And trading cows and horses and camels amongst your hospital staff colleagues.




Absoluely brilliant.  


Unrelated - Noosa National Park on a day off, in the dead of winter. It was a nippy 26 degrees.




No regrets.


Oh you naive little human.....is what I'll think one day when I read through all these quarter life crisis blog posts

So it's that time of the year where the UK docs change jobs. Only with my peers, it's the Big Career Step forward. Some are CMT or CST or GPST. Some got into paeds or obgyn, a few in opthalmology, some genuis in neurosurgery run through and even one in anatomical pathology.

I'm somewhat envious and curious. Envious that I am nowhere close to knowing what to do for the rest of my life, unlike these peers of mine. Curious to know what's I'd be doing now if I'd stayed on in the UK. Probs something broad based and relatively uncompetitive, like CMT.

I know it's just Social Media Syndrome. It's the endless posts of new CT1 Trainee badges and moving to new cities on timelines. But I'll be lying if I said this didn't get to me at all. I knew I'd be taking a step back moving to Australia, career wise. I still don't regret making the move. I still am constantly finding out what I want and how I may get it.

One of my biggest flaws is I give too many fucks about what people think of me. I want to be universally liked, or at least not disliked, or have anyone have negative perceptions of me. This applies to my professional and social life. Superficially I get along with most people fine.

Maybe that's why I don't seem to have too many deep relationships.

Professionally I know I can't stay like this forever. No Consultant is ever 100% good with everyone. Even the best consultants I've worked with, there will always be some badmouthing here and there to varying degrees. This is universal, not just in the medical field. No top honcho regardless of profession, goes completely unscathed behind their backs.

People will disagree with my clinical opinion and I will just have to stand up for my actions or at least be able to justify them. And this comes with knowledge (post graduate exams) and experience (seniority). At the moment I am nothing. At the moment I can still hide behind 'I'll ask my boss', but time's already ticking and the higher up I go the more I'll be expected to make independant decisions. It's a tricky balance between maintaining some autonomy appropriate for my level and experience, and not being a completely useless fuckwit of a PGY2 doctor.

This year is my transition year. Next year, it will be expected of me that I start making decisions.  

Here's another thing I noticed. My peers are all raring to the top career wise, trying to get the edge over any little thing that will pad their CV a little. Every doctor gathering I go to, someone will always have a wittier, more interesting anecdote or more harrowing experience than I have, or the time they made the right diagnosis that baffled consultants or when they got the cannula when the anaesthetist couldn't. This leaves me feeling somewhat inadequate at times.

The more senior doctors I've encountered however, seem to think it's perfectly fine that I haven't made up my mind yet. Old wisdom seems to dictate that young people should not just focus on work and money but rather family, relationships, experiences etc, because what good are money and assets at the graveyard? (Apart from being able to choose the type of funeral and burial spot you wish for, of course) This is of some comfort to me. I trust oldie wisdom.

My 10 weeks in Gympie as a jack of some trades master of none resident is coming to a close. Despite the on-paper immense duties I have, it actually isn't that bad. Sure I do paeds and general surgery and all that jazz but the patient load is nothing compared to that of secondary hospitals and nothings been too overwhelming. I can undress babies and change diapers now and am at least of some use in general surgical clinics and closed a Caesarian beautifully (if I may say so myself) and seen a camel being milked and overall am better off for the Gympie experience.

I am twenty five, going on twenty six. I am also working night ED shifts on my birthday.

Life will eventually sort itself out. Right?


Friday, July 3, 2015

And then I realized...

Why I'm nearly two years out and still undecided
What's that saying again?

'If you don't stand for anything you will fall for everything.'


Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Relations.

時々、独りぼっちな私には、ちょっと寂しがる。。
誰か、外でいるの?

I often have dreams at night. They're usually very vivid and I can remember vaguely what it was, but can't describe it was about. Sometimes they're to do with what happened in the day. They are not bad dreams or scary or nightmare-ish, they're just there.

I'm aware of scientific sleep/dream theories about REM, but sometimes what I like to think there are actually alternate realities out there, and these dreams are the only connection to them. I've heard of wormholes, perhaps it's all somehow related?

There could be hundred of alternate realities out there, hundreds of me or perceived mes doing things and living lives in other....dimensions? Timelines? It all sounds very New Age and I'm the last person to jump on that bandwagon, but I can't help but to wonder.


Monday, June 22, 2015

I'm still not getting any better at this writing thing

A little plug here - An old uni acquantaince has this niftylittle tumblr where she rants about the NHS. I periodically read it from time to time – it’s extremely well written, fully expressing all the frustrations I and many other doctors in the NHS have experienced at some point or other. It’s well worth a read for some insight into what the NHS is like these days.

Indeed, one of the things I had to get used to when first working in Australia was not needing to fear making referrals or admitting patients. It sounds silly – what good’s a hospital if you’re not going to be admitting sick people, right? But the issue was that due to a dearth of community services and nursing home places due to funding cuts, there were too many admissions we did that either were inappropriate admissions, or admissions we knew were going to be a one way ticket for the usually elderly patient.  There would be a negative air of ‘oh no not another one’ and this became conditioned into me.

There just seems to be less of a bed-blocking issue in Australia. Social, allied health and community services are well funded and extremely functional – there is just much less of these long term medically stable chronic illness patients waiting for Package of Care or nursing homes on acute medical wards. Between the USA's awful maldistribution of expensive healthcare and the UK's free but unsustainable NHS, I think Australia has struck a relatively happy balance between government subsidised and private health services. 

(I also think that in order to get out of the mess its in the NHS really can't afford to make everything 100% free for every Tom Dick and Krzysztof. Something's gotta give, someone's gotta pay. Even getting patients to pay 10pounds per GP visit or A&E attendance, for which they will get 8 pounds back at a later time, will surely cut down the number of time wasters.)

Another thing I had to get used to was not scrambling to finalize discharge letters just before patient discharges. In Australia it is preferable but still optional to finish summaries before the patient walks out the door. That was a major source of stress during my UK days. The patient had to have the letter no matter what, and ambulance transport were being held up by my tardiness/ineffectiveness, etc etc.

Also I don’t have to do every damn little thing. I smiled a little when that uni friend bemoaned having to do ECGs (because nurses ‘weren’t trained to do them’) and print discharge summaries (because nurses didn’t have access to the systems) because that what exactly what I went through as well. Finding a nurse that did bloods or were willing to admit they could do them, was like finding a gold nugget on a beach, let alone cannulas. I’ve only had to do a handful of cannulas and bloods here because nurses seem super capable at doing them. In fact once I stayed back to do a cannula on a patient in A&E and my reg gave me a why-are-you-bothering-with-that funny look. I’ve not performed an ECG in months, only interpreted them – as should be the case.

Communication between primary, secondary and allied health also appears to work much better in Australia. Notes are actually filed properly, not like the kiamchai we used to get in the UK. You could easily see what correspondence had been made with which specialty and GP. Everyone on the ward writes in the same notes, which makes a whole lot of sense – I can see exactly what physio or OT or social work’s opinion is if I need to know. If no one’s documented what the urine dip showed, I can usually find it in the nursing entry just above the medical entry. Back in Aberdeen only the vascular ward did that and it was pretty passive aggressive at times.

Another large difference is attitudes towards General Practice. GP is actually a respected position here – valued rightly for its role as the frontline of healthcare in the community, and admired for its reputation for being a ‘lifestyle career choice’. Which in Australia means you get to go to the beach in your boat on the weekends with your partner and two young children. A&E in Australia does get a slightly negative reputation from high-horse specialty departments as being ‘cowboys’, but is nowhere near the level of pure abuse their NHS counterparts get. There is no rigid do-or-die 4 hour wait, and in the hospital I work in at least, there are special nurses that go around making sure the old crumblies are not just needing extra special nursing care, rather than a hospital admission. Senior med regs are still as busy as ever, but I get the sense they have to deal with far less admin rubbish like playing discharge coordinator and bed manager on top of seeing sick patients. There is a general medical ward where queries and unknowns go, but definitely nothing as bad as endocrine wards filled with homeless young drug users and 90 year old demented bearded ladies refused to be taken in by nursing homes.

Which also brings me to another thought. The acquaintance mentioned how patients ended up staying months on end on acute wards because they had ‘no safe discharge destination’, or the family just didn’t want to take them back. I appreciate that looking after one’s 89 year old demented mother or father is no easy task, especially when you have young kids or teenagers of your own, a stressful job, financial issues and no spare room. But somehow in Malaysia/Asia – people manage. Granted it is easier and cheaper to find 24/7 hired help – plenty of maid agencies cater for care of the elderly population – but even those who don’t, manage as well. 

I remember reading an old blog article on the sad state of Sibu Hospital circa 2011 by a prominent West Malaysian opposition politician - he lamented the lack of air conditioning, soap in toilets, lounge chairs. There were pictures uploaded of ‘native’ relatives sleeping on the floor because the hospital had virtually no lounge chairs. Yet these relatives just made do. Sleeping on the floor, with probably little in the way of basic hygiene like showers and toothpaste, bringing in food for the sick relative. (Of course, pictures of Dayaks sleeping on the floor adds to the sensationalism, but one has to remember traditionally they sleep on the floor anyway, like the Malays or the Japanese.)

 Occasionally I would see an article on the Borneo Post looking for the relative of some unidentified, probably demented patient, but from my limited view stance as an outsider who’s never worked in the Malaysian health system, relatives generally see it as their responsibility to take care of their elderly relative, and not the health system’s. Indeed what I do miss a lot after all my years living and studying overseas is certain Asian values.

It’s this insight as well that makes I hard for me to sympathize with the picture of the young, easily distressed, demanding and manipulative, usually white female patient that I encounter every now and then. They would usually have a permutation of ‘functional’ and chronic pain disorders, a high analgesic requirement, lots of drug ‘allergies’, and a ‘bad experience’ at some other hospital or GP.

Quote from a friend’s FB post:
Country A- STEMI- Pays RM1 for thrombolytic agent. SYUKUR!
Country B- STEMI- Pays Nothing for Percutaneous Coronary Intervention. Still criticises health system


Angmos have so much yet complain a great deal. Maybe Malaysia’s headed that direction as well with all the new-age anti vaxxers and pro home birth-ers. Increasing affluence is really a double edged sword. People think money and rights suddenly think that makes them clever when in actual fact sometimes you’re still just an idiot.

/rant

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Flight of Ideas 2 ( and then some)

Hello world.

I'm not dead, just AWOL/lazy. Very often in daily life a thought or opinion props up and I'm like, hey I should write about this', then I'm like, 'lol nope'. Hence the virtual cobwebs.


So there I was, just chilling at home post 7 day ICU stretch (I've decided I'm really not an outdoor person) when I got my Gympie rota roster....
and a your-role doc which looks like this

And now I'm like fuckity fuck fuck fuck



So after staring at it for a good 15 minutes I've come to the conclusion that
a) I still have no idea how I'm expected to weave in and out of three very distinct specialties
b) words like 'expected to', 'often', 'potentially alternate weeks', 'variable' are not helpful at all
c) I need to learn how2kagebunshinnojutsu

Notwithstanding the fact that I haven't touched a speculum since 2011 and now I'm 'first port of call for antenatal reviews of complicated antenates that need medical review'. 

Gotta love (!sarcasm) that about medicine - being a 'doctor' - even if you're a first day intern - somehow puts you on a higher level compared to nurses with 20 years of experience. I've had nurses ask me to 'talk to the patient' about something or other that the nurse tried to explain but they were having none of. I walk up and say the exact same thing - clueless, 'Im-just-a-junior-doc' me - and because I'm wearing the Stethoscope of All Knowledge, the patient suddenly understands/is reassured/etc.  

Anyway. I'm sure I'll work things out somehow. Gympie is always being shat on by the doctors here and it really reminds me of Wick.

Also, ICU is ending soon, which makes me a little sad. I do love all the fiddly wires and lines, but the real job of intensivists is not just adjusting ventilator settings and weaning inotropes, but rather having difficult conversations with families with complicated dynamics. There never seems to be any 'normal' families in the ICU relatives room. It's always the estranged wife who doesn't want some offspring to be involved, or a brother who thinks the EPOA sister is mad and shouldn't be allowed to make the decisions, etc etc, Also, you'd have to be a damn genius to pass the professional exams. 

On a random note, Haruki Murakami's 1Q84, which is my current bedtime reading, really reads like a manga. It's all the phrases he uses, like 'in a pinch' and 'that's correct' as an affirmative, and 'in other words...' and '[statement], right?' that lets in all the nuances of a translated Japanese text. (I did a  >.0 at the dohta/maza obvious katakana part) The story itself is so manga-logic, with the two worlds and moons and vague descriptions. In my head I can actually visualize the panels. I wish there'd be more official professional translations for all the niche light novels I want to read, but I guess that's the whole point of learning Japanese.

Alrighty, time to buck up. 


Flight of Ideas

Hello from an airport.

So, let's get down to it. The long due so-how's-it-been-in-Australia post.

In a nutshell, it's much the same, just better. It is a developed white country after all. The main difference is its health system - I like to think of it as a nice balance between the NHS's free but unsustainable decades old health plan, and America's insurance-only health cover that seems to benefit only the cushy upper middle class. Medicare is a subsidy rather than a free ticket, and Aussies are more willing to pay for private health insurance and private health services eg allied health, pathology, nursing homes etc. There isn't the same level of strain that there is on the NHS. It seems to be working pretty well for them.

In terms of the small things as a still-somewhat-kuli NHS refugee, I have observed several small differences. Like how much more willing nurses are to do bloods and cannulas etc (I actually worry I'm de-skilling) (heck I was doing my own flippin ECGs as an FY1) which I guess lets me step back and look at the big picture rather than obsess about where the tape is kept. The UQ medical course has been post grad for ages so it seems like all the interns and residents are in their 30s with kids and houses. I'm always assumed to be the intern, at best. Everyone keeps their watches and rings on, so Bare Below The Elbows isn't quite in vogue like it is in the UK.

It's 10 terms of 10 weeks as opposed to 3 rotations of 4 months in a year in the UK, which I suppose is pretty good as there is more chance to dip into various specialties, especially for a still undecided person like me. (Please don't look at me like I'm an alien) And we get 5 weeks of paid leave a year, much to the envy of every single person who's asked me this. You split them into 2 and 3 weeks and are meant to allocate your preferences before the start of the year, so admin can organize cover during your planned absence. It's ingenious. Back in the UK people are still having to desperately clamour for time off to yknow, get married and stuff.

Hence the existence of a relieving term, in which for 10 weeks you pretty much cover whichever department is rostered to be on leave. That was my first term, so I dabbled in paeds, rehab med, A&E (ok fine Aussies called it ED or DEM), gen surg, gastro and haem, which is actually a pretty good mix. Back in the UK you had to apply for 'taster weeks' if you wanted to try out a specialty you weren't working in, and it would be a bit of a hassle. It seems I had a course of taster weeks handed on a silver platter. The downside is you're in a different department every 2 weeks and have to get used to everything over and over again but it's not thatt bad I suppose.

Pay is....good. I'm actually saving lots and having a social life for once,

Ah yes, social life. Nice to have you back. Brisbane boasts probably the largest amount of IMU alumni in any single city owing to the large-ish BMedSci cohort, and well I guess it is nice having old KL friends to hang out with again. I crash at my brother's place whenever I'm in Brisbane (which is virtually every week) and it is certainly working out nicely so far. Nothing beats the hour long drive to Brisbane after a long stretch of days or nights, with my Jpop plugged in, knowing I'll get to jostle with the aunties in Sunnybank asian shops, cook dinner and watch Koufuku Graffiti over dinner with onii-chama.

And well I'm back because durr cincai allocated the AL dates. Was back in Kuching for a week, and there is still no place like home. Most of my friends have started work and I am rather oddly interested in learning about working environments in Malaysia, particularly as a junior meddie, and understanding the issues that lead to this environment. The cycle of abuse is real. Then there's the usual stuff like 50sen kuih (give me rice flour snacks over kolo mee any day) (I am a disappointing child), the uncle/auntie eye-sweep (more on that later) and the sweltering heat and humidity I know all too well. My increasing appreciation of how good Brisbane roads are and how crap Kuching roads are.

It's getting a bit cliche, but Sarawak really is the true embodiment of 1Malaysia if I may borrow that glorified PR ploy. The State paper publishes and brings attention equally to church, temple or mosque related events and people. The halal food hawker is next to the kolo mee stall and there is no furore. The Indian uncle selling curry paste at the market speaks better Hokkien than I do. Just simple things like that.

Ok the uncle/auntie sweep. So you've come back from overseas, this strapping young lad/lass with the world ahead of you, meeting uncle/auntie for the first time in ages. They would be your legit relatives, or parents' friends, church people etc. The uncle/auntie sweep is the half a second visual scan literally sizing you up, the next half second is them deciding whether you've put on weight or not (very important), and the next half second is them deciding whether to tell you what they think. I've been tossed between being to skinny and having added a few kilos - the latter is true; I've definitely fleshed out a bit since starting working and eating at odd hours. I don't really mind or care, but the uncle/auntie sweep is definitely a part of coming home.

(If anyone wants to loose weight fast, I can recommend the Malaysian House Officer Weight Loss Programme - it works! Main side effect: clinical depression.)

I'm 26 this year - where did my early 20s go? I have absolutely no idea. As my dad puts it, I'm no spring chicken anymore. (Gotta love stoic asian dads) At least I have a better idea of what I'd be looking for in a life partner (thanks WaitbutWhy) - if I ever get one. If not I suppose I can prop up my shrivelling ovaries by marathoning Free!


(Retrospectively published - post written during airport transit like 5 weeks ago)


Stay classy, KLIA2

Monday, March 9, 2015

Hello there. This is a quick shoutout to say I'm still alive, and well have not entirely abandoned this blog completely.

It's been nearly 3 months since I landed in Australia. I knew the settling in would take at least a few months - quarter of a year later I'm still thinking I need more time. I would have compiled a list of how different things are here (esp working as a doctor) compared to the UK, but that's a post for later, hopefully.

Right now I'm just trucking along, going through the motions and having a few short term plans in my head but not exactly mapped out my entire life yet. It can be disheartening sometimes watching peers make progress with their careers, getting engaged etc, when I'm still asking interns to teach me how to write scripts and spending my nights self learning Japanese alone. Sometimes I feel just pressured to have everything sorted out in my 20s - but somehow I know deep down as well, that's it's ok if I don't.

And that sits well with my soul.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

It hits harder when its personal.

So about all this crashed plane business. That's the third in a year, and all linked to Malaysia somehow. What strikes harder this time is we personally know the family of the only Malaysian passenger on that plane. The kids went to the same school.

The oldest girl is a year older than me. She played flute in band, studied medicine in New Zealand, and is into salsa dancing. She is really pretty and has dimples when she smiles.

The middle girl is a year younger than me. I don't know her well but we have many mutual friends.

The youngest son is my younger bro's good buddy. They hang out a lot, and recently went on a brotrip to Penang with a few others.

They are a decent, honest, God-fearing family.

They will never see their father again. In the blink of an eye - fatherless, widowed.

No warning, no finality in their goodbyes. It is so cruel.

My parents holidayed in Jakarta just a week ago. They flew Jakarta-Singapore barely a week before it happened.

It could have been me.

We celebrated my dad's 56th birthday tonight. A family will never see theirs again.

It could have been me.


Friday, December 5, 2014

Dirty Wicker

A summary of the good and the bad of the last 4 months' ulu working...

The (Y)

- computers only blocked Facebook and proper dodge sites! It actually allowed Youtube, blogs, and stream sites, so um RandomC is probably floating around in a computer's history somewhere...

-it's a small hospital hence everything is a minute or two away- labs may be a bit off the beaten track, but at least I didn't have to climb 4 flights of stairs to use an ABG machine because the (only) ABG machine was right outside the ward.

-ok rent was decent. 200pounds a month and bills were like 5-20pounds a month? We had portable electric heaters in the bedrooms so things were nice and toasty at night. And even the later months when I left the heating overnight, the bill never went over 20. The house wasn't a complete shithole either.

-everything was in walking distance. House to hospital was 10mins tops, and the train station was literally behind the hospital. We had a relatively big Lidl next to the staff accommodation where I stayed, so that was a major plus.



The (N)

-rotas being made by office goons who work 1-3pm on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and 9-11am on Fridays (ie have no fucking clue and have no qualms about giving you two back to back 12-day-straight shifts) but this problem is endemic in the NHS.

-mix an elderly crumblie population, unfilial children, scant social services, the odd lazy GP - recipe for the perfect heartsink day of bed crises filled with bearded old ladies who can't stand/can't eat/was wandering etc

This needs a flipping colossal titan gif

-office-hour labs and xrays that have an oncall system, meaning when you need bloods at 2pm, the decision on whether to call in labs is whether nice smiley lab guy is on call, or that grumpy  old lab guy who lives 20 minutes away is on call. You do start asking if you REALLY need that midnight CRP or CXR, but unfortunately sometimes the answer is yes.

-weekends. Officially the worst types of shifts ever, because there are two doctors for the whole hospital, one on medical one on surgical. You do the ward round, jobs, A&E, and whenever the rehab ward starts feeling needy and starts calling you. Weekends were the worst. Worse than nights. You can apparently expect one person to manage a ward of 40 patients and see all 10 medical A&E attenders, it seems.

-bizarre use of resources. We have no ECHO, fine. Funny tests and cultures get sent to Glasgow, find. We've got a CT scanner, hooray! But, because ultrasound come in like, once a week, it is apparently better to CT carotid everyone with a TIA because lulz we can. We must have irradiated the necks of half of Caithness. Any thyroid enthusiast want to visit the place in 30 years?

-no Natwest. In fact Natwest is pretty shit in Scotland. There's only one branch in Aberdeen and none north of it, including Inverness. I had a few cheques to bank in and it was a major pain.

-the latitude. In August it seemed like it would never get dark, and the week before I left there was frost on the grass and the sun set by 3.30pm. I don't think I could ever get used to extreme latitudes. I grew up on the equator where there was one warm season all year and sunset at 7.30pm on the dot every day, and that's how I like it.

-there is pretty much nothing to do. There's like Weatherspoons, which we went to at least 10 times in 4 months. The nearest cinema was in Thurso. No shopping malls or anything. At least internet was stable, so I was actually a little productive for a change. The dead-ness of the town didn't bother me too much, but for the city slickers it was a death sentence.



There's supposed to be things to do and see, like an Orkney weekend, the Walligoe steps, Pulteney whiskey distillery, but I actually did nothing. In fact I never went further than Tesco, and this fact doesn't bother me at all. I do no regret not visiting Orkney or going for a whiskey tour (frankly because I don't care for it).

So...like that la. I survived. That is all.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Kagerou Project

Sasuga Japan. Where else would you get a music CD series that got turned into a light novel, then a manga, then an anime? (Ok so it's a bit like someone taking individual ABBA songs and sewing it up to make a story ie Mamma Mia, except this would be more my kinda thing)



Kagerou Project is just that, leading to the recent Mekakucity Actors anime based on the manga based on the LN based on the drama CDs (and a bunch of Nico fanvids/covers/graphics - geez it's like everyone in Japan can draw/sing/produce music). The anime itself was ok, kept me interested till the end even though it was the standard 'wtf did I just watch' anime ending. Also omg dat Shaft head tilt. XD


I think I'm finally getting the hang of this Vocaloid obsession. I still don't relish the squeaky artificial pitching, but man the Nico covers are pretty damn fine. The original music (lol 'source material') is pretty awesome, I'm loving Jin's pumping basslines the most.

Kagerou Daze is hands down the best song/story of the lot. (and the Nico chorus cover is better too)



Oh man the feeeeellllsssss.

8月15日の午後12時半くらいのこと
天気が良い
病気になりそうなほど眩しい日差しの中
することも無いから君と駄弁っていた
「でもまぁ夏は嫌いかな」猫を撫でながら
君はふてぶてしくつぶやいた
あぁ、逃げ出した猫の後を追いかけて
飛び込んでしまったのは赤に変わった信号機
バッと通ったトラックが君を轢きずって鳴き叫ぶ
血飛沫の色、君の香りと混ざり合ってむせ返った
嘘みたいな陽炎が「嘘じゃないぞ」って嗤ってる
夏の水色、かき回すような蝉の音に全て眩んだ
目を覚ました時計の針が鳴り響くベッドで
今は何時?
8月14日の午前12時過ぎ位を指す
やけに煩い蝉の声覚えていた
でもさぁ、少し不思議だな。
同じ公園で昨日見た夢を思い出した
「もう今日は帰ろうか」道に抜けた時
周りの人は皆上を見上げ口を開けていた
落下してきた鉄柱が君を貫いて突き刺さる
劈く悲鳴と風鈴の音が木々の隙間で空廻り
ワザとらしい陽炎が「夢じゃないぞ」って嗤ってる
眩む視界に君の横顔、笑っているような気がした
何度世界が眩んでも陽炎が嗤って奪い去る。
繰り返して何十年。もうとっくに気が付いていたろ。
こんなよくある話なら結末はきっと1つだけ。
繰り返した夏の日の向こう。
バッと押しのけ飛び込んだ、瞬間トラックにぶち当たる
血飛沫の色、君の瞳と軋む体に乱反射して
文句ありげな陽炎に「ざまぁみろよ」って笑ったら
実によく在る夏の日のこと。
そんな何かがここで終わった。
目を覚ました8月14日のベッドの上
少女はただ
「またダメだったよ」と一人猫を抱きかかえてた

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

How do I asian?

So....my latest obsession is chinese hiphop dance groups cosplaying anime....


So I literally can't stop watching this...it's like there's something sofuckinghot about a Recon guys dance choreo....(hot damn Levi)
still best shingeki

Also, combination of tumblr+imageboards are veryyy bad for feels. I'm gonna need to stock up on 気持ち いい feels cuz work is about to get real shit, real fast.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

好き な 少年 で ある

Took a run for the first time in a long time. Had to be persuaded by friends because I really don't enjoy breathing in icy air and running in wind that hurts my ears. Glad I did, because the ocean was quite pretty. Some endorphins don't hurt either.

At this point, one can only cross their fingers and pray. At the very least, I've started actually working on things I've wanted to do for a long time, ie start drawing properly, learning Japanese, regular exercise, some medical related revision just to keep my knowledge up. I actually want to pick up bass properly. At some point.
これ は マイ ハズバンド, 触れない!!

この 心 は 希望 を 探して

Friday, October 31, 2014

Doors that close and open

I made a big decision. 

There's no turning back now.